Confession

Am I going to say it or not?
I sighed as I’m scrolling on my Twitter feeds.
Trying to find some distractions from the voice inside my head.
People still complaining and only care about themselves.
I let out another sigh.
Sipping my cold caramel macchiato to get away with the heat.
Though the air conditioner blasting the cold breeze inside this café.
Well, I’ve kept it for a long time now, so I guess it’s okay?
I don’t know.
Then there you finally come, walking through the door with that innocent face.
You take your ice Americano and talk about your current projects.
I’m listening. Yeah, but I developed some skills to think separately whether should I or shouldn’t I. Calculating every options and possibility while giving the response you need to hear.
And when you stopped talking, I guess it’s finally my turn to test on today’s luck if I ever have it.
Telling someone about your feelings is never be easy. At least for me. Nobody ever properly teaches me how to do it.
I look at you, trying to figure what’s on your mind after hearing such… surprising confession? I’m not sure you’d be surprised actually, and yeah, look at that smug face.
And I can’t really hear what you say afterward. But I’m sure you really mean everything you’ve said.
I don’t know if we make a good decision or not but I know we have this tendency to make things turn so bad.

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Lullaby

Sleep, sleep my sweet baby.
Sway, sway, sway away from those tears of yesterday.
Let it fly with the night wind.
Far, far away to the dark north sky full of cold stars and a blue moon.
Close your eyes and listen to these old melodies.
Swing, swing little baby.
Let’s wear a beautiful dress tomorrow and go outside.
Eating strawberry ice cream and sweet apple candy.
Running in the field while the wind gently brushes your silky hair.
The bright azure sky and the golden daffodils.
Laugh your heart out.
Dancing and laughing until the sun sets.
And when you tired, let mommy hug you back to your bed.
Hush, hush mosquitos won’t bite you.
Sleep, sleep little darling.
Don’t worry, mom is here.
Let’s be together forever…

Oh, you’re laughing.
No, you should be sleeping, little baby.
Sleep, sleep so mommy won’t be worried.
Close your eyes, it’s time to sleep.
You will have a lot of time tomorrow to laugh again.
Good, little baby.
See you again tomorrow’s night.

I want to go to check my baby but I’m too afraid.
That familiar old song that used to be my favorite lullaby as a baby.
Sung by my late mother for her grandchild.
I guess the baby is sleeping now.

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Overthink

I feel like I can’t focus on anything today.
I try to do my work as usual. I finish it on time with only a minor revision. But I still feel there’s something off today.
I check everything. My next work, my schedule plan today, my to-do lists, my desk, drawer, surroundings, but I can’t find any anomaly. 
My friend jokingly said I might be wearing unmatching socks, but that’s not it. And no, I wear a matching one today. 
I eat my usual menu for breakfast and lunch. A bowl of chocolate oatmeal with hot tea and lunch menu set provided by a family restaurant near my office. I didn’t drink coffee instead of chamomile tea for a month, but that’s not about it. 
I’m scratching my head, wondering what is wrong today.
As I glance at my phone, I realize something.
Um, could it be...
My head might be bleeding from this continuous scratch but I don’t know how to react. 
Uh… It’s not that I didn’t notice, but…
Should I?
Nah, you could be laughing at me if I ask.
Or simply brush it off with that common lies.
Overthinking never helps, but here I am, staring at my phone with my mind full of unnecessary thoughts.
After that continuous typing-erasing thing, I give up.
Maybe not today.

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Tsundere

I’m not ready yet.
Please, please, I need to go to the bathroom.
I’m drenched in cold sweat.
I bite my lips so nobody could see them trembling.
Oh no, no. I’m barely breathing.
To the point I might need CPR.
Anybody, please help!
Does this room always this full?
It seems like the oxygen in this room getting lower and lower, makes me difficult to breathe.
My pulse is getting higher.
I can feel my face turning red as my cheeks feel hot. 
Great, fever attack!
I want to cry. I really want to go home.
Calm down, calm down.
Take a deep breath. 
Inhale, exhale.
Hey, over here!
Yes, it’s you.
Oh, hey, I said. Trying so hard to control myself.
I thought you wouldn’t come, you said with that cute smile.
Well, at first I thought I’d better at home, but well, I guess… not too bad to hang out, sometimes… and the Wi-Fi signal was bad, umm…  so I couldn’t reply your text…
I feel like I want to punch myself right in the face, super extra hard.
But you’re just giggling, saying it’s okay and talking like there’s nothing wrong.
I hope you don’t get me wrong.
I’m confined by this loneliness, so it’s kind of attempt to defend myself.
But it seems like you can see through me.
So which one is the real me?
Please tell me if you already know.
Whether I’m deeply in love with you or not.
I will jump out of this skin if I am.

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Quarrel

I love you.
That’s what you said years ago.
But everything goes wrong. So wrong.
After all this time, I gradually realized.
You never really listen to me.
Feeding your ego brain but you never satisfied. 
You will never be satisfied.
I’m fed up, enough. 
Stop it, Darling.
I do this for you, I did that for you, why you always like this? Why’d you never listen to me? 
That’s what you said to me.
Um, sorry, so you try to blame me and playing the victim here?
Well, yeah, yeah, thank you for loving me so much with your ego.
But, no, no, thanks, it’s enough.
You did everything for me? Really? Not for your ego so you can be boasting some nonsense out there about our rotting relationship?
Why can’t you see that I also want to be listened too? 
You think you are the only one who was tired?
You should really make me happy, not just pretending to make me happy.
Complaining about everything without even noticing how I feel.
Now it’s my turn to talk.
Wait, you haven’t listened to what I said!
I’m gonna spill everything and I don’t care if we’re gonna fight.
You are the rotten root which broke our relationship, yet you never realized.
And now it’s too late and I don’t wanna waste another time to spend with you anymore.
Shut up, Honey.
It’s better for you to leave now, go far away as far as you could.
I’m so sick of you.
I hate you.

#30DJ2Day19 #30DJ2 #30DJofAWI #30DJApril2019 #writingcompetition #kompetisimenulis

Saudade

The bar is full today.
Most of them dancing along with the blasting jazzy sounds while the other sit on the sofa, either talking or flirting. 
I sit at the bar alone. My fifth glass already half empty. I need to stay sober yet I want to drink until I could forget everything though it’s not a good idea. 
It’s never been a good idea.
I wake up just to feel emptier day by day. Those mornings where I spent most of it in my bathroom threw up everything I ate the night before and barely conscious. And also that time when I saw you walking down the street with your favorite black attire from my rear mirror right before I parked my car to spend another depressing night drowning in alcohol. 
I still wake up in the morning, spending my day like every other day. Where the sun still shining and the moon still hanging lonely at night. 
And I swear I could still hear your voice. Waking me up as usual with the scent of your favorite black coffee spreading throughout the apartment.
And then I laughed until I could feel tears streaming down on my cheeks after seeing pity-self reflected in the bathroom mirror.
How did we get here?
I sit on my couch, buried my face in my hand. Finally trying to grasp on reality I’ve been avoiding all these years. 
You haven’t been here for years.

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Election Day

Today is General Election Day in here.
My parents woke me up in the morning, so we could vote early. I’m not a morning person, but I had to.
I never talk about politics. I don’t hate it, but sometimes a bit annoyed when people talk trash about one or other parties. Why’d you had to focus on the bad side instead of the good side? That’s why I prefer to be an observer, so I could see in another point of view. There’s no friend or enemy in politics, so it’s best to open your eyes wide and have your guard on. It’s all started in 2014 when there’s a lot of commotion caused by politics. My Facebook feeds, which once full of funny yet sometimes drama posts of weaboos, flooded by politics posts. It’s not that I don’t care about politics in my country, but I hate it if it was talked by someone who was blinded by a certain thing. And for the worst, sometimes WhatsApp Group also talked about politics.
But I’ll never unfriend them. Because like I said before, I have to know every side of it in order to see in a different point of view. Besides, Facebook has this hide post feature, and I simply hide those hateful posts. I try not to unfollow or block someone unless they’re extremely bothered me to the point I assume it’s better to ignore their whole existence at all. Mostly on personal level.
I tend not to tell anyone about my choice. I do have my choice, and I prefer to keep it for myself. 
And whoever wins, I hope he could support my country to be better than before.
Ah, one good thing about election day is those culinary promos and discounts! Yeay!
But sadly, since I’m not in the good condition, I might be missing those promos *sobs

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